A window into managing emotional outburst and numbness

This blog post is a window (pun intended) into the online course I’ve been diligently working on. Week three looks at what’s happening inside of us when we get overwhelmed. We begin to understand our baseline, how quickly our nervous system becomes reactive, what causes it to respond the way it does, and discover what we can do to regain perspective more quickly.

We’ll assess your current capacity under stress. One person may show up confidently at work, fighting literal fires, but fall apart when confronted emotionally by their disappointed partner. We’ll identify what your triggers are, and under what circumstances they are likely to show up. We’ll explore dysregulation inside of relationships, and what the first signs of physiological activation are. We’ll also revisit what protective parts take center stage when you are feeling more than you are comfortable with.

Each day you contend with things out of your control: the news, traffic, paying rent, a partner dying, your mother calls, getting your kids out the door, dealing with insurance, or having a newborn. These small irritations, huge transitions, and devastating events offer endless opportunities to observe your reaction and choose how you want to respond.

Many of you may have been in therapy and talked forever. While it brought you insight, it didn’t change how you can be in your relationships and feel inside.

Have you had this experience? A person is in the midst of an emotional outburst, yelling at you and you feel completely confused. You want to turn around to see if they are speaking to someone else because they are accusing you of things you didn’t do or say? Or have you had an interaction where you thought, “Oh my god, I need to get out of here right now!” and you have the impulse to run away? Or someone asks you a question and you just blank out and have no idea what they asked you? You heard a sound but the words didn’t connect or make sense?

In today’s lesson, we will learn why these things happen. You will learn to take care of yourself and bounce back more quickly, and as the week progresses you will get tools to manage those automatic responses.

The Window of Tolerance is a term coined by Dan Siegel and is widely used in understanding normal brain reactions, as well as in trauma-informed treatment. I prefer to call it our Window of Capacity To Be With, meaning this is how much I can handle before I get overwhelmed by an emotional outburst. When you are within your window, you are regulated; outside your window, you are dysregulated. Dysregulation manifests in two forms: hyperarousal, which is an increase in sensation, and hypoarousal, which is a decrease in sensation.

Signs of hyperarousal include trouble sleeping, flushed skin, dilated pupils, raised eyebrows, sweaty palms, a clenched jaw, a dry mouth, anxiety, panic attacks, a heightened heartbeat or shallow breathing, feelings of rage leading to regrettable statements, storming out of conversations, and making impulsive decisions without considering consequences.

Signs of hypoarousal include feeling numb and disconnected from emotions or bodily sensations, difficulty concentrating, heavy eyelids, sudden exhaustion, and a sense of immobilization. In this state, individuals may be inclined to binge on food or Netflix, endlessly scroll on their phones, or play video games.

Neither state is inherently good or bad. We need hyperarousal to be turned on and hypoarousal to facilitate sleep. Sometimes, these states may even occur in response to positive news. However, in cases of trauma, the lines between anxiety and excitement can blur, causing the body to interpret any increase in sensation as negative and overwhelming. For example, someone you’re dating expressing love might trigger a panic attack instead of elation.

For instance, my ex wanted to build our home. Although he felt some excitement initially, he quickly became overwhelmed and paralyzed, unable to take action. When an individual exceeds their window of tolerance, the prefrontal cortex becomes inaccessible. Only subcortical brain regions, such as the limbic system (the emotional brain) and brainstem, remain active, impairing the ability to think through actions and consequences. Consequently, it’s not an opportune moment to introduce new information, engage in rational discourse, or expect the person to perceive you accurately. They may be filtering their perceptions through past experiences. It’s advisable to wait until the individual is regulated before engaging in difficult conversations with your partner, colleague, child, or friend.

During an emotional outburst, when you are inside your window, you embody a Wise Resourced Adult. You possess perspective, feeling aligned with your current age.

You may experience feelings of calmness, intelligence, creativity, engagement, and connection to the positive aspects of your life.

Outside your window, you regress to a younger age: perhaps 5 years old, reliving the day your dad left; or 12, feeling panic from having your boundaries violated; or even 2, experiencing the terror of being separated from your mother in a park. Although you’re not consciously aware that the past is hijacking the present moment, your body reacts as if the past is the present. Your heart may race, or you may suddenly feel exhausted. In this state, you’re no longer operating from your wise, resourced self.

Our brains can trick us into believing we’re responding to the present moment appropriately, but often we’re being triggered, with emotions and memories taking control. When you are trying to talk to someone, if either you or the person you are talking to is responding in a way that is emotionally disproportionate to the situation, it is a good clue someone’s nervous system is activated.

The hard part is this is usually unconscious. Your optimal arousal level is the range of capacity you have to accept triggers coming towards you before you lose control. And the more trauma you’ve had, your window will likely be smaller. Ultimately, we seek practices that return us to a functional learning state and expand our window. This is where somatic practices and brain rewiring techniques excel.

What would be different in your life if you could make your window a little wider so things didn’t bother you as much?

The size of your window won’t naturally expand; you must deliberately engage in practices that heighten awareness of when your unconscious is taking over, and enhance your ability to return to a calmer state.

By incorporating activities that promote regulation into your daily routine, you reinforce neural pathways, making regulated states a more accessible choice. Consistency is key; sporadic meditation during times of high stress won’t condition you to turn to that option when needed most.

What are some practices that help you feel better and more regulated?

If you tend towards hyperarousal, certain practices and activities will calm your system down, such as containment breathing techniques, walking in nature, petting your dog, using a weighted blanket, receiving hugs, working on vagus nerve tone, ensuring you have eaten and slept enough, and standing and swaying your hips in a figure 8.

And if you tend towards hypoarousal and want to wake your system up to bring it back into the present time, consider these activities: putting cold water on your face, eating crunchy food, jumping on a trampoline, smelling essential oils, patting your body, doing squats, running, jumping, dancing, wrestling, and invigorating breath practices.

Some things that work for either state are neurofeedback, somatic practices, qigong, rigorous exercises to discharge energy as well as wake the body up, meditation, grounding practices, herbs, flower essences, homeopathy, and medications.

I want to address taking medication such as SSRIs. This is a very common way to help widen your window during ongoing times of distress. Medications can prevent you from experiencing extreme highs and lows, which means enjoyable highs can also be dulled. However, if your lows are really low or highs are really high, having this smaller range can be a welcome break.

Some people have bad associations with meds and don’t want to take them. I want to emphasize that I do not think meds are inherently bad. Staying in your window with more ease may regulate you enough to address difficult aspects of your life. This is a win. At times in your life, this may be the best option, and it’s also okay if this is a long-term solution. This is not about ranking one option as better than another. It’s not always convenient to do yoga or hike a mountain, and we have to get by.

In my private practice, I utilize somatic bodywork, breathwork, and martial arts-based exercises to rewire the brain through physical practice. It’s akin to trauma-informed exposure or desensitization therapy. These methods involve exposing oneself to sensations that are typically overwhelming in a safe environment, repeatedly stretching one’s window of tolerance. It’s crucial to titrate, moving back and forth between sensations that feel safe or pleasant and those that are challenging. Over time, facing difficult sensations becomes easier, especially when done for shorter durations.

Before discovering somatic work, I underwent talk therapy for 10 years without experiencing significant changes in my nervous system or feelings of safety within my body or in intimate relationships. Until my mid-twenties, my window of tolerance was very narrow, and even minor events, like saying the wrong thing in class, could trigger panic attacks. Even positive experiences, such as being complimented or flirted with, also overwhelmed me. I lacked the tools to regulate my responses.

The practices that most consistently expanded my window of tolerance were meditation, Jo Kata practices, yoga, Qigong, dance, somatic bodywork, hypnotherapy, and neurofeedback.

When exploring what triggers our nervous systems, our internal critic may surface. It’s important to recognize that it’s trying to protect us. One common strategy it employs is negative self-talk, such as “You’re doing it wrong,” “Everyone else has it figured out,” “You’re weak,” or “Your response is bad or stupid.” While neuro and psychoeducation can help mitigate this judgment for some individuals, others may become frustrated and desire immediate change. However, it’s worth considering how many years we’ve practiced responding in a certain way. It’s akin to driving in a country where they drive on the opposite side of the road—it’s disorienting at first, but with practice, it becomes easier.

I encourage you not to judge your level of reactivity or numbness. We’re using this assessment to understand our habitual patterns up to this point. Please know that this state is not permanent.

Try this:

Make a list of the go-to strategies you use to soothe yourself when you are having a hard day. Of these, which ones do you like and want to keep doing, and which ones do you wish you did less of?

Having remarkable physical stamina, winning Ironman marathons, and conquering mountains with gear on your back doesn’t necessarily mean you can be present with your own emotions and sensations during charged situations. While training your physical body to remain non-reactive to stress, utilizing tools such as Wim Hof breathing and ice baths can be helpful, I’ve found that professional athletes or extreme sports enthusiasts often excel at disassociating from their bodies, which aids them in pushing through challenges. We’re discussing cultivating presence and awareness because pushing through can also mean burying material underground, potentially causing you to exceed your window of tolerance and lose awareness of your triggers.

Capacity is not a static or permanent state. It changes depending on the stress placed upon it and expands with desire and dedicated practice. Think of it as expanding your window. When I talk about your growing edges, I’m referring to the edge of your window, which indicates your current capacity to manage your feelings before becoming overwhelmed and reacting in a way you may regret.

Thirty years ago, I would dissociate in any intimate situation, merely from having someone’s interest directed at me, and I’d experience panic attacks in a voice class while singing and making sounds, which created sensations in my body. Twenty-five years ago, after discovering somatic work, I performed a one-woman show but still experienced significant digestive distress beforehand. Today, I host my own weekly podcast and enjoy extended whole-body orgasms in intimate situations. This illustrates that our capacity for managing energy, sensation, and emotion expands when intentionally and methodically stretching our window.

Somatic practices helped me become regulated during an emotional outburst and find pleasure in experiencing a range of sensations in my body.

Try this:

Draw your own window – what’s typical for you? You can draw a different one each day and compare them at the end of the week or even at the end of this whole course. Partner with someone from the Facebook group during the week and discuss what you observed. Post your findings.

Dysregulation can often be a source of shame. As you consider engaging in this exercise, pay attention to what emotions and thoughts arise for you. If you find yourself overwhelmed either before or after completing this exercise, consider trying the acceptance meditation or the LWD (Loving, Wise, Discerning) grounding practice. Remember, feeling uncomfortable is a natural part of the growth and evolution process. Our goal isn’t to remain comfortable all the time; it’s about embracing discomfort as an opportunity for growth.

Ask yourself if you are willing to do this. Remind yourself of why you would bother doing something out of your comfort zone. When you know you are willing, you are reminded that you are at choice.

Consider what people or situations typically trigger you. Is it within your personal or professional life? Identify the factors that reliably activate you.

For instance, it could be interactions with your ex regarding childcare arrangements or conversations with your sister, who tends to be confrontational. Perhaps it’s when you’re stuck in traffic or dealing with your insurance provider. It might also arise when you need to make decisions, feel someone is disappointed in you, or experience a sense of powerlessness, misunderstanding, or condescension.

Recall the concept of parts work. Which aspects of yourself are most vocal during triggering situations? Is it a frightened inner child, an angry adolescent, or an internal self-critic trying to keep you out of trouble? 

Try this:

Throughout the week, track these triggers that may cause an emotional outburst. If possible, dedicate a few minutes each day to reflect on your observations. Create a comprehensive list of your known triggers, regardless of their magnitude.