Written by Sara Benincasa for Instyle.com with insights from Charna Cassell
Why We Should All Be Sending Platonic Valentines (Especially This Year)
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I have always loved writing letters and cards. That doesn’t mean I do it very often, mind you — as with yoga class, a Peloton ride, or baking a pan of cinnamon rolls for my nephews, my epistolary hobby is more often theoretical than real. But while my ideals don’t always match my behavior, I’ve decided to devote my Valentine’s Day this year to showing my friends how much I love them. And I’m going to say it the old fashioned way: on paper, with goofy stickers and sparkly gel pens. This is the year to unleash a flood of platonic Valentines — or Palentines.
Thanks to the gone-but-not-forgotten TV series Parks and Rec, plenty of people are aware of Galentine’s Day (I promise to stop rhyming things with “Valentine” soon.) In the world of Leslie Knope, February 13th is an important day to celebrate one’s woman friends. But anybody can use the week of Valentine’s Day to show anyone how much they are loved, even if the “gal pal” of it all makes you cringe the tiniest bit. In fact, sending and receiving letters can promote intimacy and healing, particularly during this era of pandemic-induced high stress.
“People keep boxes of handwritten notes and cards for a reason,” says Charna Cassell, LMFT, a trauma-trained sex and relationship therapist based in the Bay Area and love of platonic valentines. “Their essence and love for you is captured for you to revisit and remember who you are when your own self-perception waivers.” And she knows from experience: “One of my best friends died exactly a year ago, and I immediately regretted having thrown away any card she’d written me. We look to written documents as proof of the quality of a connection. Being vulnerable enough to share your heart through written word is a gift.”
We look to written documents as proof of the quality of a connection. Being vulnerable enough to share your heart through written word is a gift.
— Charna Cassell, LMFT
Cassell, who hosts the sex therapy podcast Laid Open, describes a recent phenomenon she calls “the COVID-reconnect,” in which ex-partners and old friends began getting in touch again throughout their time in quarantine. She talks about the pain of isolation, especially for people who live (and work) alone or are retired, and explains that friendships have been more important than ever. “Some of us are highly self-reliant due to trauma and may not even realize how touch- or contact-deprived we are,” she says.
Perhaps as proof of her point, my friend Sabrina and I are going to do a long-distance viewing of the Keanu Reeves/Sandra Bullock film The Lake House to celebrate a Galentine’s day aka a platonic valentines. Sabrina loves the movie, and I… know it involves two hot people writing letters to each other across time, through a magic mailbox. It feels appropriate, especially given my own mission to write platonic love notes this year.
I wish I had some sort of a time machine that could send sincere and loving missives to friends and relatives who are gone, or with whom I’ve lost touch, but I know that’s just a fantasy. Also, I am not as hot as Sandra Bullock or Keanu Reeves. (I do have the modern ability to livetweet my movie-viewings, though, so that’s something to look forward to.)
Still, the thought reminds me to be grateful that my dearest friends are still around, and I’m lucky to be able to express how much I enjoy them via a wacky, sarcastic bird postcard or heartfelt prose delivered to their actual, physical mailbox.