
Written by Rebecca Strong for Askmen.com
Here’s What Trauma Experts Want You to Know about Dating after a Experiencing Sexual Assault
Nearly 1 in 38 men have experienced completed or attempted rape during their lifetime, but there’s something important missing from that statistic: that’s only counting those who report it.
Sexual violence affects millions of people each year in the U.S., and data shows that the reporting rate is even less for men than it is for women. This may stem from a fear of showing vulnerability or being shamed, as well as simply not having access to adequate recovery and support resources. However you’ve chosen to pursue healing from sexual assault, at some point, you may decide you’re ready to start dating again.
Opening yourself up to others after experiencing sexual assault can be an exciting, confusing, anxiety-inducing, and perhaps at times even triggering experience. That said, if you can honor your own personal needs and limitations, set clear boundaries, and take things slow, there’s no reason whatsoever why you can’t have an active, fulfilling love life as a survivor.
“Dating after a sexual assault is something that must be approached on an individual level,” says clinical psychologist Dr. Joshua Klapow, Ph.D. “The timing and the level of intimacy are dependent on the survivor’s experience and the lasting impact of that experience. The amount of time is far less important than comfort level and desire to date.”
lapow notes that hesitation and some level of nervousness when approaching dating again are totally normal. However, if you’ve given yourself plenty of time and space to process your assault and you feel ready to put yourself out there again.
Below, you’ll find a few things that trauma experts want you to keep in mind in order to ensure that your dating experiences only support your recovery rather than hinder it.
8 Steps to Dating Again After Experiencing Sexual Assault
1. Go at Your Own Pace
“Everyone will have their own timeline for dating after experiencing sexual assault,” says Sarah Melancon, Ph.D, a sociologist, certified sexologist, and the sexuality and relationships expert for SexToyCollective.com. “For some, it may be weeks or months, while others may take years — and there is no right or wrong.”
So how does one know when they’re ready to cross certain dating milestones? Noel Hunter, a clinical psychologist specializing in trauma and director of MindClear Integrative Psychotherapy, says it’s crucial to listen to your gut rather than feel pressured by friends, family, or society.
Part of the reason why it’s worth taking baby steps is that this allows you to gather information about the person you’re dating before dropping your guard emotionally or becoming intimate.
“I don’t believe any of us survivors will know how to truly gauge trustworthiness in others,” says Ron Blake, Director of the American PTSD Association. “And trust comes with time. But it’s not always about trusting our dates. You also have to trust your own heart. Your own mind. Your own body. Your own soul. Trusting ourselves can be one of the most difficult things we can do after this kind of trauma. I have learned it is possible.”
Above all, you should never let your date coerce, guilt, or otherwise manipulate you into taking steps you’re not quite ready to take — no matter how amazing they seem or how into them you are.
You’re in control of your own dating journey, so if at any point in time you need to take a step back, that’s totally OK.
2. Prioritize Safety
It’s well worth taking steps to make sure you’re always protecting yourself on dates, not only for your own peace of mind, but for your personal well-being, too.
For example, you might want to try vetting dates before hanging out IRL. If you met on an app, Hunter recommends having a virtual date or two first to get to know them a little better. Once you’re comfortable enough to meet up, she suggests scheduling dates in public places where you’re unlikely to ever be totally alone (like a park or a cafe patio). She also says it’s a good idea to keep friends in the loop about where you’re going and when.
Charna Cassell, a body-centered psychotherapist and founder of the Center for Passionate Living, proposes going on a group date rather than a one-on-one excursion.
“Casual group activities that enable you to be around friends you trust can help you feel more at ease,” she explains. “What’s more, it’ll allow you to see your potential lover in a group setting and how they treat others. Further, a group date gives you an intimacy buffer.”
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