Redefining relationships has been a hot topic recently on LaidOPEN Podcast. Have you ever found yourself questioning the nature of jealousy, relationships, and the safety we often seek in our connections? I’m your host, Charna Cassell, and in today’s eye-opening episode, we dive headfirst into these very issues with Dr. Joli Hamilton guest on the latest episode of LaidOPEN Podcast.
Dr. Hamilton is a relationship coach who specializes in guiding couples who explore non-traditional relationship structures, and she’s the founder of ‘The Year of Opening.’ If you’re curious about non-monogamy or tailoring your redefining relationships to fit your unique desires outside of societal norms, this discussion is a must-read. She’s also an expert on the intricate nature of jealousy—its primal roots, its value, and even how it can be eroticized. Let’s unpack the layers of what Dr. Hamilton has to offer, shall we?
Dr. Hamilton and I started by discussing the conventional ideas around safety in relationships. Often, what feels familiar might not necessarily be ‘safe.’ Freud once said, ‘We seek the familiar more than what is authentically excellent,’ and this is incredibly evident in relationships. We mistakenly equate what we know—sometimes even the abusive—with love. Dr. Hamilton shared her experiences that people often think they can simply decide to change their relationship structure and that it will immediately feel safe.
However, creating true safety is nuanced and layered; it’s not as simple as making agreements. It’s about deep, embodied work. One profound point Dr. Hamilton made was about the importance of reevaluating our relationship agreements regularly. She gave a beautiful example of how she and her anchor partner, Ken, have a full month every three years dedicated to evaluating their relationship.
This helps them stay true to themselves and each other, rather than feeling trapped by the concept of ‘forever’ promoted by traditional marriage. This practice allowed them to acknowledge change as a norm and opened up honest, sometimes terrifying, conversations about their relationship’s future.
As our conversation delved deeper, Dr. Hamilton talked about the importance of ‘experimental agreements.’ Just like hiring an assistant with a trial period, relationships can also benefit from a testing phase to see what works. This way, we aren’t overpromising or setting ourselves up for failure by creating overly rigid structures.
This experimental approach respects the fact that both parties may change and evolve over time and that our agreements should be as dynamic as we are. This brings us back to the notion of moving from a monogamous default to consciously creating our relationships. It’s an ongoing process. As Dr. Hamilton said, ‘We don’t wake up one day and decide to leave behind all the mono-norms.’
It’s a journey of discerning what you truly want and need. Transitioning to a non-monogamous structure isn’t a quick fix; it’s a continuous process of finding balance and understanding that rules are there to guide us, not confine us. One significant challenge many face is navigating attachment styles.
We’re often not aware of how our attachment styles evolve based on life experiences. Doing regular ‘check-ins’ with quizzes or self-assessments can be useful, but remember, they are just tools to help you understand your emotional state at a given time. ‘Attachment styles aren’t static,’ Dr. Hamilton noted, and our relationships can shift and change, revealing different aspects of our attachment systems.
The conversation also touched on the complex dynamic of managing multiple partners and the often-overlooked aspect of ‘internalized polyphobia’—the internal conflict and negative feelings about non-monogamy that can arise from living in a mono-normative society.
Understanding that both monogamy and polyamory have their unique challenges can help us navigate our relationships without unfair comparisons. Dr. Hamilton highlighted that one of the biggest misconceptions about non-monogamy is that it will automatically solve issues like sexual desire discrepancies.
However, opening up a relationship won’t inherently resolve internal conflicts or mismatches; rather, it shines a spotlight on them. ‘What it offers,’ she said, ‘is a path to reframe and work through these issues in a different context.’
We concluded by diving into the topic of jealousy. This emotion, often seen as a barrier to non-monogamy, is, in fact, a common human experience. Dr. Hamilton, a professional jealousy researcher, stressed that jealousy is an emotion indicative of a perceived threat to a valued relationship. Instead of rejecting or demonizing this emotion, she encouraged us to explore it and understand its roots. Her method, described as the ‘Jealousy Roadmap,’ involves noticing, naming, and unpacking the narrative of our jealousy before navigating our needs with our partners.
Dr. Hamilton and I both share a commitment to helping people love in ways that resonate with them, redefining relationships, whether monogamous or non-monogamous. Our goal is to create relationships rich in trust and connection, anchored in mutual respect and understanding. If you’re interested in diving deeper into these profound yet practical insights, I highly recommend listening to Dr. Hamilton’s podcast, ‘Playing With Fire.’
For those looking to delve further into working with jealousy, Dr. Hamilton has a resource called the Jealousy Roadmap, which you can access at jealousyroadmap.com. And if you’re considering the journey of non-monogamy, redefining relationships or simply want to design your relationships consciously, Dr. Hamilton’s year-long program, ‘The Year of Opening,’ might be a perfect fit for you. It offers a cohort-oriented approach to custom-building relationships outside of compulsory monogamy.
Conclusion: Redefining Relationships
This episode was a treasure trove of insights and practical advice. As always, you can stay connected with me, Charna Cassell, at Laid Open Podcast on Facebook or Instagram, or visit charnacassell.com for more resources, blogs, and information about my private practice. Until next time, continue exploring the depths of your relationships and may you feel empowered to heal and grow in love and connection.
