Recently, I shared my notion of Asshole Angels, with a client who struggles with dissociation and freezing up when their partner communicates in an aggressive way. Based on his historical response, they anticipate that it will play out the same way any time he wants to talk. Their habit is to freeze, dissociate and not be able to protect themself or their kids when he dismisses and minimizes their feelings.
People who are unkind, bullies, aggressive, or even explicitly abusive are Asshole Angels. This could be your boss, your partner, your parent, or a stranger. You may feel agitated, anxious, or afraid of them. They jangle your nervous system. You may feel assaulted and want to punch them in the face but you freeze up instead.
Freezing and dissociating get a bad rap when they are actually intelligent strategies for self-preservation. Your system is overwhelmed and assesses that you are not fast enough to run or strong enough to fight, so freezing and playing dead like an opossum is the best way to survive this situation. It does not need to be physical for it to feel like a life-threatening attack.
Especially with a history of trauma and hyper-vigilance, your amygdala reacts to sharp tones, raised volumes even a tense jaw and goes into protection mode. People often hold their breath when they freeze. Doing this numbs your system which makes whatever fear you are experiencing feel less intense. You know you are dissociated when you either feel emotionally blank, things get hazy, it’s hard to access words, or form a clear thought. You may hear words being spoken to you, but you struggle to link them together and make sense of them.
Asshole Angels show us our growing edges around setting boundaries and self-respect, standing up for, and embodying our worthiness.
Where is it hard for us? Where does fear shut us down, and have us collapse? What is our habitual response? From a dissociated, frozen place we can’t protect those we love and or change the trajectory of how we are treated. We can’t walk away or draw a line in the sand and make our boundaries known. From this place, we feel victimized.
Embodied boundary practices, learning how we dissociate and how to bring ourselves back is essential to feel empowered and to remember we have a choice, even when it doesn’t feel like we do. Disengaging is a choice. Bring forth your Asshole Angels!
